A change is as good as a holiday

So after 3 years of hardly sleeping, barely able to dress myself, not washing my hair or brushing my teeth for days, and a battle with cervical cancer, I opened a business and tried for 5 years to make a success of it...  I walked away. 

Away from everyone knowing my business and the constant reminder that I have lost the Mrs. Degree. Writing these articles were even scary, because I was afraid to be told again, that I am not acting like a widow.

But within me was this light that I could feel ... so I decided that I will not be written off, not yet anyway, so touched by tragedy I moved back to Johannesburg, when a director asked me to work on his film. This was me having another stab at the sunlight.

Being back in Johannesburg is trying, but I am cheerful and grateful.

 "So, are you involved with anyone yet?" I am asked often and believe me I know that it is meant well, but...for years now I am going to bed alone.  I am not sure whether this got easier or became habit. 

Being out public, is still not easy, especially not in a world geared towards couples and...

I don't know if I want a boyfriend or another husband, but what I do know is, that which I occasionally do feel the need for; is the touch and feel of a man and some human comfort, preferably without the beer "boep", dandruff, BO and preferably on the right side of 50.

But I am so out of practice with flirting, that when I get home from somewhere and someone spoke to me and I responded, without the walls in my throat closing in, I laugh at the uncertainty of whether they actually flirted with me.

So as a young widow I could not go from catatonic inertia to full blown euphoria in days, weeks or months.  No it took me 8 long years, to heal.  Now, it feels like the whole world has lifted from my shoulders.  I feel better than I felt in years.  I am no longer gulping the tears down, at the mention of Marco's name.  

Every now and then I pull out the crutches, I've been getting around on, the last 8 years, but it does not take me long to put my wings of possibility, back on, again.

So when they are surprised to hear that I have been going to bed alone for so many years, my response is; "I like sex, if you must know,"  but is dating or having sex really the only way I can show growth and healing?   The topic changes quickly after my response.

What I do not tell them, is that I have learnt to love myself so much, that the next time I fall in love... it will be better.

For now I am just happy that I have been given a second chance in life and that Marco is in the Kalahari and not in an urn in my cupboard...

Yes, if I had my way I would never have gotten out of bed.  The loss of the only man I ever loved, devastated me.  Grief is severe and self-limiting, but thank goodness, it is not forever.

I did a good job presenting a breezy exterior to the world - but it was a job, but I have resigned from that position and am open to the infinite well of LOVE and am singing a new song.

Feeling the stress of grief and having to learn to live again has been exhausting, but I have discovered the power within me that lifted me out of loneliness and frustration and disease and this is bliss.

So from here onwards most of my articles  will be about my relationship with myself... and yes, now and then I will remind myself of how much it hurts, but that is not to provoke sympathy but a reminder of how much I have achieved.